The Fabulous girls' guide to football

Can't imagine anything better than spending 90 minutes ogling fit men in shorts? Then you'll be raring to go when the World Cup kicks off on June 11!

But even if you think the only bit worth watching is the players swapping shirts at the end, you'll discover there's actually plenty in South Africa to keep you interested over the next few weeks. Follow our girls' guide to the World Cup and who knows, you may end up loving the beautiful game!

The offside rule

We all have our own tricks for working out on a first date whether a man could be the father of our future children (kind to his mum, nice hands, pays for dinner). Well, guess what? Men have their own form of natural selection - and it's called the offside rule. Girls, if you can master this, he'll think you're a goddess.

Forget football for a minute. Instead, imagine the Harvey Nicks shoe department during the sales - that's the equivalent of the pitch.

There's one last pair of Christian Louboutin Prive slingbacks with 80 per cent off - that's the goal. But in front of you, a gang of other girls are in the way of the fabulous footwear. They're the opposing team. Behind you is your best friend holding your credit card - that's the ball. If you start running towards the shoes (the goal) and your mate throws the card (the ball) to you after you've managed to barge past the last two shoppers, you're offside and lose the shoes. Simples!

Soccer speak

The universal language of lads can seem rather alien to the uninitiated (and we suspect they probably prefer it that way).

Master the offside rule and he'll think you're a goddess

Here are a few key phrases to help you make sense of what the commentators are babbling on about:

'Holding up the ball' - we're not talking tight boxers here, but a player's ability to keep the ball and not lose it in a tackle (tackle is not what you think either!).

'Nutmeg' - not the spice, but a move where one player kicks the ball between the legs of an opposing player.

'Tricky Brazilian' - this isn't a painful grooming procedure, it's a skilful player from South America.

Once you've mastered the basics, really impress the lads by throwing the following into your chat: "Let's hope Capello's insistence on a rigid 4-4-2 structure instead of a diamond formation doesn't limit our central attacking options. I'd have gone with the 4-5-1." (This means how the manager, Fabio Capello, has decided to play the team, with so many at the front, in the middle and at the back of the pitch.)

Gaining a home advantage

Even if you don't like football, initiating a soccer date or suggesting you snuggle up on the sofa to watch the game will net you a few brownie points. If you want your man out of the house, suggest he goes to the pub because the atmosphere is better. He'll think you're a saint - and you can watch Cougar Town without having to wrestle for the remote.

How will Tevez wear his hair?

And after his chosen team wins a match, let him come home to find you wearing nothing more than his England shirt! This is the perfect moment to drop hints about those Jimmy Choos you've had your eye on

Football fashion

Even the most hardened fashionista will find some inspiration during the tournament. Hair is always a major talking point (they'd never admit it, but most players plan their World Cup style as carefully as they plan their match tactics). Accessorising will be big this year, especially with the Latin sides like Spain and Italy favouring long locks tied back with thin Alice bands. And as for England, who'll have the best barnet now Becks isn't in the squad? Whoever emerges victorious is likely to spark a copycat frenzy. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that John Terry's semi-mullet doesn't find its way on to the high street.

World cup etiquette

The best place to watch a game is usually the pub. Don't worry about squeezing into a tight dress and skyscraper heels because the chances are, if England score, you'll get covered in beer. And remember when chanting for Frank Lampard and Co. that the correct pronunciation is IN-GER-LUND.

The correct pronunciation is IN-GER-LUND

No matter who your faves are, be aware that there are some teams it is acceptable to support and some you can't. It's fine to cheer for South Africa, Brazil, Mexico and Switzerland, but frowned on to support Germany or Argentina (unless you're German or Argentinian). They are the ENEMY.

Your drink must be beer; your food anything that doesn't require cutlery - forget the low-carb diet for a few weeks.

WAGs

It looks like it could be a disappointing tournament for WAG spotters. Capello doesn't want them there, Cheryl has dumped Ashley, Posh might not be going, and Carly Cole has just given birth so she'll be at home. It will also be winter in South Africa (which is not known for its retail opportunities), so the likes of Coleen Rooney, Abbey Clancy and new super-WAG Christine Bleakley may only appear briefly if England get through to the late stages of the tournament.

Dealing with loss

Although I'm confident England will do well, they have been knocked out before the final in every World Cup since 1966. But even if you've invested time and effort in following the tournament and your chosen team does get sent home, it needn't be a tragedy. The great thing about being a woman is you can switch allegiances to another hot team. I, though, will be drowning my sorrows!

This article has 3 comments

i totally understand the rules to football, been brought up with football all my life... i do think you give a great explanation to the offside rule for the women who dont, but want to understand it your fella will love you for being a beer drinkin footy mad lass granted you may become a bit of a threat to his ego if your too intrested so dont throw it all at him at once lol

By kelly.. Posted June 10 2010 at 11:02 AM.

Wow!! What an amazing insight into the world of football. I don't mind the game and I am thrilled my boyfriend feels the same. However, after reading Charlotte's article I have learned more from her in 5 minutes than any bloke could ever teach me.
The explination of the off side rule will be with me forever and her soccer speak was genius. Fabulous your mag is THE only one I now read as I figure if it's not in Fabolous then it isn't worth knowing anyway.....Thanks for the bringing us the best mag ever Mwah x

By Emma Sands.. Posted June 5 2010 at 10:15 AM.

Charlotte Jackson is so fit