Katy was devastated by her husband's affair
Katy and Steve on their wedding day
Katy is now looking to the future
July 7, 2009
It's midnight and I'm sitting in my pyjamas in the reception of a Travelodge near Birmingham. Tears are running down my face and I'm struggling to breathe as I write.
I've just discovered that my husband of nine years, Steve*, has been having an affair. I can hardly believe it. How could he have done this to me? To us? I don't know what I'm going to do. Right now, I can't bear to be in the same room as him.
A few weeks ago, I saw a text on his phone to a single colleague called Sarah*. It read: "Goodnight sleeping beauty". She'd missed a work night out so I thought it was just friendly banter. I didn't even mention it to Steve. I've been so naive.
Yesterday, Steve went to the wedding of another workmate. Because it was work-related, I hadn't been invited. This morning, while driving from our home in Strathclyde to visit Drayton Manor Theme Park in Staffordshire with our kids, Lucy*, four, and Philip*, two, Steve had shown me some photos, including several of Sarah on her own.
Seeing them, I felt uncomfortable. Remembering the text, my mind started racing. Did he fancy her? Was something going on? He couldn't be having an affair - not my Steve.
The kids were in the car, so I didn't say anything. But later back at the hotel, I confronted him. "Is there something you're not telling me?" I asked, my voice shaking. I waited for Steve to say I was being silly. But he didn't answer me.
Seconds ticked by. And that's when I knew. He had been cheating. "Sarah and I had a six-month affair," he confessed. "But it's over now."
He told me the relationship had started at their last Christmas party and they'd meet at her house after work.
I stared at him, shocked into silence. He was very quiet and calm. How could he be so controlled when our life was falling apart? He should have been begging for forgiveness, not shrugging his shoulders.
Rage boiled inside me. He tried to hold me, but I cried and screamed at him to leave me. I can't believe he's done this.
July 8
We're back home after the longest, most difficult day of my life. When I went back to our hotel room in the early hours of this morning, Steve was in bed, snoring. I watched him sleep. He'd broken my heart. Didn't he care?
I wanted to go home, but I couldn't disappoint the children, so we spent the day at Cadbury World as planned. To all the world we looked like a happy family.
But life as I knew it was over. Part of me needed to know all the details, but I was scared of what Steve would say.
We had to talk, so I called my mum and told her what had happened. She was shocked, but agreed to come to our house to babysit while Steve and I went out to talk. We just drove round aimlessly. Then I asked him why he'd done it.
"I don't feel like I get any attention from you," he said. "I just don't feel the same." My heart ached at such rejection.
I had to get out of the car and scream. How could he be so selfish? We both work hard, me as a part-time charity worker. We have two kids. It's inevitable we have less time for each other than we used to.
Then I wondered - should I have paid him more attention? Was his affair my fault?
July 12
The past few days have been hard. Steve wants our marriage to work and has suggested counselling. We owe it to the good years we've shared, and our children, to try.
When I married Steve nine years ago, I felt I'd found my soulmate. We met through mutual friends in a bar in 1996. He was fun, we were always laughing, and I fancied him like mad. That never changed.
I hope the counselling works, I really do. But right now I don't know if I can forgive - or forget - what Steve has done.
August 24
Our first counselling session didn't go well. Steve confessed he still has feelings for Sarah.
As he spoke, I could hardly breathe. How could he be so hurtful?
The counsellor asked if he wanted a life with Sarah. He said no, he was just confused.
He's been to see a divorce lawyer. He wouldn't tell me what they'd discussed, so back at home, I looked in his notepad. One of his questions was: Would I be able to see my children with my new partner if it's the person I had the affair with?
I went ballistic, throwing pots at him. If he's planning to leave, why waste time with counselling?
He begged for forgiveness, but I had to get away, so the kids and I have been staying with my mum, who lives nearby, ¿for a few days.
The distance has made me feel stronger. I don't want to desperately cling on to Steve. I need to do what's right for me. I have to face the fact our marriage might not survive.There's only so much hurt I can take.
September 1
I'm back home. I believe Steve when he says he wants us to work. We've been getting closer physically. I'd always thought our sex life was good, even though it had waned after the kids arrived. I hoped that if we could get this back on track, our marriage would heal too.
The first time we slept together since I found out, I was worried he was thinking of her. When I told him this afterwards, instead of telling me not to be daft, he admitted that he had been. That cut into my heart like a knife and I shrank away from him.
September 10
I've been at a family wedding in Italy. When I called Steve to see if he wanted a present, he replied: "All I want is a happy family." My heart lifted and I felt positive for the first time in weeks.
But Steve came home from work today quiet and moody. He's moving to another department. He won't be working with Sarah now. I'm relieved - I couldn't bear the thought of them being around each other.
Steve says he regrets what he did because of all the implications it's had. I can't believe he's only just realising this now. Can we be happy again? Or am I naive to think that?
September 20
One of the worst things I've discovered through counselling is Steve's resentment towards me. He feels I take him for granted. I feel distant towards him. I want our marriage to work but I deserve happiness - and I want more than Steve's giving me at the moment. I want what we used to have.
September 30
I'm at my mum's. I've been staying here with the kids for the past few days. Steve and I had a massive row. He blames me for everything and claims it's my fault he had to move jobs. Doesn't he see how hard this is for me? We're going round in circles - every few days, we'll row and it's destroying me.
October 15
Things are looking up at last. Steve and I have started communicating again. The kids really missed their dad, so I've decided to give things another go and move back home. It was my birthday this week and for the first time in ages, I felt loved. I had a lie-in and Steve brought me breakfast in bed, which was so kind. I am still in love with him, because if I wasn't, I wouldn't be able to try and forgive him. I'm glad my love has survived, but it does make things complicated. If I hated him, I could walk away. But I don't want an affair to wreck our lives.
November 8
We had a fantastic weekend away with my dad and the kids. Steve and I spent a lovely afternoon together, walking and drinking coffee. I really felt we'd turned a corner.
Then Steve dropped a bombshell. "I don't feel a spark between us any more," he admitted. "We're more like brother and sister than husband and wife."
After the weekend, it was so insulting. I don't know if he realises just how much pain he's causing me. I'm near breaking point.
December 15
At the start of the week, Steve texted me and asked me out on a date! I think we're making some progress. We went for a romantic meal and even held hands. It made me feel closer to him again. We decided to plan a weekend break for his birthday next year. I can't wait to have some time away, just the two of us.
December 18
What a fool I was to think I could see a light at the end of this miserable tunnel. Steve's announced he wants a separation. He feels under too much pressure to save our marriage. So, after months of anguish and trying to forgive his betrayal, he's leaving me. As he left, I kept waiting for him to turn around and realise what he's throwing away. He didn't.
December 22
I feel very low right now. I'm not sleeping and it's been hard dealing with the children. Philip is clingy and insists on sleeping in my bed. Whenever Steve comes over to help with them, Lucy makes us hold hands and asks if we love each other. It's heartbreaking.
I miss what we once had, but I definitely don't miss the way things were since I discovered the affair. Not having to worry that a small disagreement would explode into a huge row is a relief.
Steve wants to have more counselling, but I have to be sure our marriage can be saved. I couldn't go through months of trying for it not to work.
It's scary being single, but I have to live my life. I don't know what the future holds. Maybe I'll find it in myself to forgive Steve. Maybe I won't. But I can't let what he did destroy me.
January 5, 2010
Steve and I worked hard to make sure Christmas was good for the kids. He stayed over on Christmas Eve, but he got upset when he left on Christmas Day.
I was upset too, because I still care for him, but I'm glad we pulled together for the kids. That's the most important thing in my mind.
I've been coping well, with a lot of support from close friends and family. I don't know what I'd have done without them.
Now I'm looking forward to the future and rediscovering myself. We haven't talked about divorce yet, but we're both at the point of going forward on our own to try and find happiness.
l Steve also kept a diary for use with this article. But when contacted he declined to give us permission to use any of his entries. He refused to give any further comment on the matter.
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