Broken hearts: John and Toni Terry, Mark Owen and wife Emma and Ashley and Cheryl Cole
Think again... our shocking survey reveals a third of ALL men have had affairs, and a quarter of women have been mistresses. We reveal the ugly truth about the nation’s relationships...
Not a week goes by without another celeb getting caught with his pants down.
They've been sexting, hands up Vernon Kay; having affairs with their best mate's girlfriend, step forward John Terry; and cheating on their wives just after they've given birth, that would be you Mark Owen.
With this in mind, we decided to quiz men and women about being unfaithful. And our survey reveals that it's not just celebs who have cheatin' hearts. Infidelity is rife across the UK. Shocked? You will be.
A third of men admitted to cheating, and one in four girls confessed to being the 'other woman'. Meanwhile, seven per cent of the husbands surveyed said they were cheating on their wives right now.
There has been a significant rise in the number of people cheating. Why? Because there have never been more opportunities, and technology means it's easier to get away with it.
Plus, men and women are preserving their looks for longer. Gone are the days when being a 40-something meant you were past it. Cosmetic surgery and Viagra mean we can look good, and have good sex, whatever our age.
"Infidelity is definitely on the rise," confirms relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam. "These days, we all have increased, often unrealistic, expectations of what a relationship should be like. We want a Hollywood-style romance with a perfect partner and life-long excitement.
"When our relationship becomes mundane, or a partner starts showing their age, we feel we have the right to look elsewhere."
The difference between men and women is staggering. Men still view sex and love separately. One in five married men don't consider monogamy to be realistic, compared to one in eight women, and shockingly 20 per cent of the men we questioned said sex with a prostitute didn't count as cheating. Not a view shared by us girls!
This, Susan says, is down to the difference between how men and women are wired.
"Men see prostitution as no more than a financial transaction. To them it's a service without any emotional connection," she says. "They can keep the feelings they have for their wife or partner separate."
The reasons people stray are varied, but often come back to the same thing. "The classic example is a man cheating after the birth of a baby because he wants sex and he's not getting it from his partner," says Susan.
"Or a woman might be unfaithful because the romance has disappeared from her marriage. Often, the cheater doesn't want to end the relationship, they just want to replace that missing element."
Many agree, with 75 per cent of those surveyed stating the main reason for cheating is boredom, and 60 per cent saying it's to make you feel more attractive.
"He was just a lot better looking than my fiancé," one woman confessed.
With 13 per cent of men aged 25-29 finding their mistress on Facebook, websites have marked a significant change in the way we conduct affairs.
"Traditionally, affairs were more organic. You might develop a friendship with someone you see regularly, like a colleague or friend's partner, and that might turn into a relationship," says Susan. "Now, you decide you're bored and want to have an affair first, then select someone to have it with."
So with Toni Terry welcoming straying husband John back with open arms on a Dubai beach earlier this year, are affairs now acceptable?
While 67 per cent of men and 58 per cent of women believe a relationship can survive infidelity, Susan doesn't believe attitudes to cheating will change.
"For some women, if they feel emotionally loved, they can separate that from their partner having sex with someone else," she says. "But it's rare that a couple can maintain a relationship like that."
As Vernon Kay's sexting scandal proved, in 2010 we're past the point where sex alone is classed as infidelity. Nearly two-thirds of people think flirty texts are cause for concern.
"Cyber relationships are intense," Susan explains. "Because of this, we view any emotional connection as infidelity."
And technology isn't just making affairs easier to conduct, it's increasing the chance of getting caught. Fourteen per cent used texts or emails to catch out a partner.
London firm Spycatcher reported a 20 per cent increase in sales of technical love-cheat kits - chips that can read deleted texts, emails and even a car tracker.
Of course, some of you found out the traditional way: "I came across a receipt for an engagement ring I never received," one of you told us.
But what do you do with your evidence? Even if you do confront your partner, many of you are willing to forgive - men more so than women, with nearly half saying they could get over a partner's infidelity, compared to just 35 per cent of women.
"If you love someone enough, you learn to forgive them," one man said.
But if you can forgive, it seems you'll always have doubts. A massive 83 per cent of you believe the old saying: "Once a cheat, always a cheat."
And Susan agrees: "Once you've been unfaithful and you either get away with it or you're forgiven, it's easier to do it again. And the thrill of illicit sex keeps you repeating the pattern, like Tiger Woods."
But Susan believes it's important to keep perspective. "For every person who cheats there are thousands more who won't," she says. "Don't let an obsession with infidelity ruin a relationship."
- 1 in 3 men have had affairs
- A quarter of women have had sex with married men
- 1 in 5 married me don't consider monogamy realistic
- 1 in 3 women who cheat do so with a colleague
- 20% of men don't think sex with a prostitute is cheating
- 75% of people cheat because of boredom
- 13% of men found their mistresses on Facebook
- 60% of people cheat to feel more attractive
- 14% of women aged 18 - 24 have fallen pregnant during an affair
- 25% of women admitted to being a mistress
- 7% of married men are cheating right now
The cheating fiancée
Bianca Drakes, 36, is a photographer's assistant from Waltham Abbey, Essex. She lives with her partner Sebastian, 39, a photographer, and their daughter, Sadie, four months. She says:
"Telling my fiancé I'd been cheating on him was hard enough, but explaining that I was pregnant with my lover's baby was worse. I'd been cheating on Tom* for four months, and had been building up the courage to come clean for weeks. Now my secret was finally out, I felt a massive sense of relief. I didn't want to hurt Tom but, despite being engaged, our relationship had been over for a long time.
I'd met Tom, 35, a property developer, in 2002 and we got engaged five years later. At first we had a very happy relationship, but when his career took off and he started spending weeks away on business, I was left feeling lonely. In 2008, a year after he proposed, our future together wasn't looking very bright.
I was out with friends in a bar when I met Sebastian. I felt flattered that another man was interested in me. He told me he was very unhappily married and, as we talked, I felt a deep connection with him, and I craved more. He made it clear that he fancied me, too. So we swapped phone numbers and, after a month of secret dinner dates, we met for sex in a city hotel.
I fell pregnant with another man's baby
I admit that having felt unloved, unwanted and alone for so long, having a man want me as much as Sebastian did made me feel so alive again. It was addictive. Yes, it was wrong. Yes, I felt guilty about cheating on Tom. And the fact I was cheating on my fiancé with a married man, shocked me. I had no idea that I was capable of such deceit.
We spent the next two months meeting secretly any time we could. But it soon became clear our relationship wasn't just about sex. We had real feelings for each other. I knew I didn't want to be a mistress - I didn't want to share Sebastian with anyone, especially not his wife. Eventually, I had to tell Sebastian how I really felt. To my relief, he told me he felt the same. It was just a matter of time as to when we could, and would, come clean to our partners.
That time came when, one month later, I missed a period. Tom and I weren't sleeping together, so I knew straight away it was Sebastian's baby. We agreed to tell our respective partners. I broke down as I explained everything to Tom. He was furious and went for a drive to calm down. When he got back, he was just so upset. I deserved everything he threw at me. I'd deceived him. But I think, deep down, he knew our relationship had been over for a long time.
HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED?
I moved out straight away and set up home with Seb, who broke the news to his wife the same night. She was also devastated. We'd hurt two people we cared about just to be together, but it was what we wanted. It was wonderful to be a normal couple and not have to hide our relationship. I don't regret my affair. I'm sorry for the pain I caused Tom and Sebastian's wife, but I believe we are meant to be together."
Sebastian says: "I felt hugely guilty about having an affair behind my wife's back, but my feelings for Bianca were just too strong to ignore. I would tell my wife I was working away and staying over at a hotel for the night, when really I was going to meet Bianca. I knew that what we were doing was wrong, but being with her was all I wanted. And it was all or nothing - I didn't want a wife and a mistress.
I believe my marriage would have ended even if I hadn't met Bianca in that bar. But meeting her and conceiving our daughter just sped things up a bit."
The Mistress
Suzanne Mint, 39, is a beauty therapist from Oldham. She's a single mum to three children and has been seeing a married man for the past 14 months. She says:
"Being a mistress is not something I'm proud of. I didn't set out to become one. I had to think very hard about telling my story as until now, only my closest friends know that the man I'm seeing is married.
When I got together with Kevin*, I thought he was single. We met after he came for a treatment at my beauty salon. I was instantly attracted to his gorgeous smile and big brown eyes. He asked me out for a drink, I noticed he wasn't wearing a wedding ring, and I agreed.
The connection between us was electric and I hoped I'd finally met someone special. But after we'd been dating for four months, we were heading out for dinner when Kevin dropped a bombshell.
He told me he was married - and had been for six years. My heart pounded as he explained his marriage had broken down and he wanted to end it, but the time wasn't right.
I shook my head and told him our relationship was over. He didn't try to argue and instead he left. For the next few days, I switched between hurt and anger. How could I have been so stupid? It wasn't the first time I'd been seduced by a married man, either.
Five years earlier, I'd met Andy* in a bar. We got chatting and agreed to meet for drinks. He was flirty, attentive and apparently available. It didn't cross my mind he had a wife. He didn't wear a ring and there were no warning signs. But three months later, he confessed he was married. I felt humiliated and ended it straight away. If Andy cheated on his wife, he could do the same to me, and I was better than that.
But here I was again. The 'other woman'. Only this time it was different. I couldn't stop thinking about Kevin. We had strong feelings for each other that I just couldn't switch off.
I feel sorry for his wife
Two weeks after dropping his bombshell, Kevin called and asked to meet me for a drink. As soon as I saw him, I knew I wasn't going to be able to walk away. If the only way to keep him was to share him with his wife, that was what I would do.
We agreed to get back together, but I didn't push for him to end his marriage. I was a single mum to three kids - I didn't have time for a full-time lover. We see each other about once a week, when his wife goes out with friends. Sometimes he stays at mine, occasionally we go to a hotel. We do have great sex, but it's not just about that.
I find myself giving him marriage advice. Mad, I know! He says his wife has stopped making an effort. I do feel sorry for her though. In fact, I feel like I know her. I know what she looks like and what her hobbies are. I don't think what he's doing is fair, and I tell him that. But I haven't asked him to leave her - I don't want to be responsible for the marriage break-up. If he decides to leave, that's different.
In the 14 months we've been dating, Kevin and I have become more than lovers, we're friends. I have sympathy for his wife, but I think both people in a marriage have to try. I've never been married - but I know in a long-term relationship you have to listen and support each other. Do I feel guilty that I'm dating another woman's husband? Of course. The only good thing is they don't have kids. That would be too much.
Do we have a future? I don't know. Friends and family don't judge me. They know I fell for Kevin thinking he was single. I don't feel like a 'bit on the side'. I'm his friend, someone Kevin cares about and who cares about him. Sometimes he talks about getting a divorce, and maybe one day he will. But until then, I'll keep being his mistress. It's the only way we can be together."
The serial love-rat
Paul Barkley, 35, is a DJ from Doncaster. He lives with his wife Adele, 35, a teaching assistant, and their three children, Curtis, 14, Destiny, seven and Cain, three. He says:
"I looked at the woman sleeping next to me. She wasn't my wife and I didn't even know her surname. She was just the latest in a long line of women I'd picked up on nights out.
I'd been having affairs for months. I was addicted to the thrill. And no, I didn't feel guilty. Even though Adele, my gorgeous wife of 12 years had just given birth to our third child.
Looking back now, I can't believe I was so cruel and deceitful. But after years of being overweight, I'd shed 14st. And for the first time in years women fancied me.
Adele and I met in 1992 and dated for 18 months before marrying. I was 19 and she was 18 and we were madly in love.
For the first five years everything was great. Our son Curtis was born and we were blissfully happy. Then I suffered a knee injury, which put an end to my weekly rugby games. I piled on the pounds. At my heaviest, five years ago, I weighed 27st.
I dieted but nothing worked. Adele said she loved me no matter what, but my self-esteem had hit rock-bottom. And when my doctor told me I would be dead in five years if I didn't do something drastic, I decided to have a gastric-bypass operation.
In September 2005, we remortgaged our house to pay for the £7,000 operation. By the following summer, I'd lost half my body weight. I was a new man. But not in a good way.
All of a sudden, women couldn't get enough of me. And I loved it. To begin with, flirting was all I did. But it wasn't long before I took things further.
My first one-night stand happened after a night out with my friends in a local pub. I'd been flirting with a woman as usual, but this time it didn't end there. I went home with her.
I didn't feel guilty. I was excited I'd slept with someone other than my wife. I went home and told Adele I'd fallen asleep at a mate's house. Getting away with it only made me more determined to do it again.
I slept with 20 women in four months
Soon, every night out with friends ended in a one-night stand. I'd tell Adele it was easier to stay at a friend's than pay for a taxi home. She confronted me a few times, but I always convinced her she was wrong.
Our third child was born just as I was embarking on my double life. Adele and I weren't sleeping together as she'd just given birth, but even if we had been it wouldn't have stopped me cheating. I was hooked.
In the four months from that first one-night stand, I slept with at least 20 girls and had a few flings. I didn't think about being caught, but in November 2006, a women I'd had sex with a few times rang the house and told Adele. She was devastated.
Adele threw me out. I moved into a friend's spare room and carried on having one-night stands. But slowly, I began to wake up to what I'd done. I missed the kids desperately and I longed to have Adele cuddled up beside me. I realised I'd thrown away my marriage to my beautiful wife and my happy family life, all for the sake of grubby sex with strangers.
Around a year after we split, I went to see Adele. I told her I'd finally grown up, asked her to take me back and promised I'd do anything to save our marriage. She told me we'd have to take things slowly, that I'd have to prove myself.
Thankfully, Adele found the strength to forgive me. I deeply regret hurting her and I'd never cheat again. I know no one can replace my wife."
His cheated wife Adele says: "I fell in love with a kind, attentive and honest man. But he turned into an arrogant liar who made me feel worthless. I'd suspected Paul had been having an affair - he became distant and cancelled family days out at the last minute. He was always out with his friends. His shirts sometimes smelled of perfume and I found a text on his phone thanking him for a great night. I texted back, pretending to be Paul, and it was obvious something had happened between him and another woman. It might sound silly, but I just didn't want it to be true. So I didn't confront him. But I did download software from the internet on to his mobile, which meant I could track where his phone was using my computer. Several times, I asked him where he was going on a night out, and I knew from the trace on his mobile that he was lying to me.
A few times I did question him - when his shirt smelled of perfume, when he wasn't where he said he was - but he told me I was paranoid and even suggested I had post-natal depression. I started to believe him and was worried I was going mad. When I found out the truth, it was almost a relief to know I'd been right all along.
When we separated, I hoped he'd realise what he'd thrown away. Forgiving him and learning to trust him again was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
But despite what he'd done I still loved him and I believed our relationship was worth saving. He'd always been a loving husband and a fantastic father. I met him when I was 17 and I'd never wanted anyone else.
Friends and family see the love we have and they respect my decision to take him back and make our marriage work. Our kids are so happy Mum and Dad are back together.
It took a while to get our sex life back on track, because I found it hard to be intimate knowing he'd been with other women. But gradually I was able to put those thoughts out of my mind, and now everything's great in that department. Being cheated on was an awful experience, but now we're stronger than ever as a couple. He knows I won't give him a second chance, and I believe him when he says he'll never cheat again. He knows how close he came to losing everything and he won't risk that again."
AceSpy software: A computer programme that records every keystroke typed on a computer so you can see what emails, passwords, messages and documents have been written.
FlexiSpy software: download this to your partner's mobile and you'll be able to receive copies of his texts, call logs and emails as well as pinpointing his geographical location.
Reverse phone search: only available in the US so far, but bound to come over here, it gives you the name and address of the caller when you dial the equivalent of 1471.
Trackers: simply place a tracking device under your partner's car bonnet and you can monitor his journeys online.
Tiger Text: an iPhone application that automatically deletes texts from the sender's phone (and also the recipient's, if they have the app too) so they can never be traced.
Fakealibi.co.uk: a website that can provide false documents and phone numbers, such as virtual hotel bookings and travel reservations to prove you're in one place when you're actually in another
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