RUSSELL BRAND. Remember him? Let me recap.
He was once a talented comic, creative broadcaster and three-time winner of Bizarre’s Shagger of the Year gong.
But he has, in recent years, been bruised by a decline in his stardom following a poor return at the box office — we all swerved Arthur — and his divorce from Katy Perry.
So you can perhaps forgive him for keeping himself to himself, bar a dodgy book about revolution and a ranty YouTube channel.
Maybe he was concentrating on bringing up his two young kids with wife Laura Gallacher, the “Scottish lifestyle blogger” and sister of TV’s Kirsty.
Judging by his comments in the Sunday Times Magazine at the weekend, not quite.
Peter Andre does not need to lose any sleep worrying about his Dad of the Year crown.
Brand’s chat with chief interviewer Decca Aitkenhead begins with him seemingly reflective on his career, recovery from addiction, legacy and getting older (he’s still only 43, younger than me, the bastard).
All was fine until the subject of fatherhood came up. He has two daughters with Laura — Mabel, two, and Peggy, born last July.
It is at this point that it all unravels, the curtains are pulled back and in just a few sentences, Brand undoes his carefully constructed demeanour and exposes himself as, well, a bit of a prat.
The man who once dressed as Osama Bin Laden for a TV piece on 9/11 has certainly been called worse but, oddly, I found his take on fatherhood far more depressing.
In what feels like an interview with Viz’s Victorian Dad, Brand confesses to have never looked after his children for longer than an evening.
“Um, I’ve done like, a night,” he says. “But they’re asleep then.”
And it got worse.
So terrible (read lazy) is he that he brazenly admits his wife simply cannot trust him.
He boasts: “She wouldn’t go away for 24 hours, Laura. She respects and cares for their safety too much.
“Yes, I’m very, very focused on the mystical connotations of Mabel’s beauty and grace. Not so good on the nappies and making sure that they eat food.”
And there’s more: “When I looked after Mabel on her own, she dropped two social classes in an hour. In no time at all, we’re in a coffee shop, she’s just got a nappy on and she’s covered in stuff because I’m not willing to fight any of the battles.”
I’m going to leave the comparison of a messy child to someone of a lower social class without comment.
And it keeps coming: “I’m sensitive and awake and aware, so I have to dial a lot of s**t down to go through normal life.”
Excuse me? This is 2019, pal.
Seventeen years ago, the Paternity And Adoption Leave Regulations Act empowered dads to take a stand against this dusty, medieval thinking that babies are the “woman’s job”, with the man having completed his “work” nine months previously.
Brand’s outlook shows a startlingly selfish disparity in the relationship. I’m sure his wife is completely knackered.
Having a two-year-old and a six-month-old is the equivalent of pushing a bin bag full of jelly up the stairs while wearing roller-skates.
I can only imagine the rollocking most men would get if their day consisted of, and I quote Brand: “I get up, I meditate and I pray. I go and see Mabel and Peggy. I go for a run with the dog around fields. I do some writing, some recovery- related stuff. I do Brazilian jiu-jitsu quite a lot. I go to the gym.”
This is, of course, complete and utter bilge. “Oh I’m no good at all that stuff, it would be a disaster!”
Russell, that is one of the most clichéd and lazy-arsed things a man can say. We know you’re used to being the centre of attention but kids should be a tonic for that, not something tacked on to your rider.
On a microscopic level, I can relate. I was the singer in a punk band (The Beekeepers were huge, in Derby) when my second was born. So I can testify that it is tough trying to have an ethereal presence in front of your fans while going red in the face outside the hospital wondering why the damned car seat won’t fit.
Nothing diminishes the swagger and adoration in a besotted fan’s eyes than the smell of three-day-old milk sick on your shoulder but the sooner you realise you aren’t the main attraction any more, the easier it becomes.
You’re the support act, the warm-up guy who’ll now never ever get to be the main draw again. The youngsters — yours — have taken over. I’m guessing this “I’m useless, me” act was a doe-eyed attempt at seeming helpless and charming.
But what may have worked back in the day seems massively out of kilter with the rest of Brand’s, ahem, brand.
This is not a case of who does things better. My wife is infinitely better at most things than I am but that doesn’t mean I curl into a ball and point dramatically at a sign and declare: “But I’m a creative artist.”
Being a father is the most important role any man can take on. It’s also the hardest and by far the most rewarding. Brand is doing himself, his kids and certainly his wife a disservice by not rolling up his yoga mat and praying to Mr Tumble instead of Buddha.
I’m no beacon of fatherhood and haven’t won any husband prizes, but I can look myself in the mirror and say my relationship with my four boys is better because I was there.
I was there for the nappy explosions, the 4am fevers, the frustrated tears of weaning, the time one of them swallowed Iron Man’s head or when the other thought the olbas oil was eye drops.
These exhausting, sometimes incredibly tough, moments make the others hit home more — the first day at school, the first driving lesson, the first heartbreak.
Then, eventually, they leave home, carrying the work and lessons you’ve both instilled in them like an Olympic torch, for them to one day pass on to their own.
So to any man who thinks they should leave all this stuff to “the ladies”, you’re not special to anyone except the kid you should be helping equally with.
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Pride of Parents
Not all celebrities are so pathetic when it comes to fatherhood. Here are what some well-known faces have said about what it means to them to have children . . .
Ronnie O’Sullivan: “My favourite time is with my kids – it really is the best feeling in the world. I’m not with my partner any more and I’ve had to go through the courts to be with the kids. But I made the decision that if I never potted another ball to be with my kids then that would be OK, as they have to come first.”
Danny Dyer: “I couldn’t wait to have a boy because as much y’know I love my girls with all my heart, I was sick of trying to put a bikini on a Barbie. Honestly, it’s graft mate.”
Idris Elba: “I’m super doting. Big hugs, kisses, love-yous. I’m sure my daughter’s like, ‘All right, Dad, chill out.’ My son gets it. But he’s still at that age where he loves a cuddle.”
Bear Grylls: “Becoming a father made me realise that being a good dad is a choice. It’s easy to get swept up in other stuff. I could be ten per cent richer but I’m not interested.”
Channing Tatum: “I love being a dad. Children are like little mirrors running around. They show you things about yourself you wouldn’t pay attention to before.”
Matt Damon: “The only way I can describe what fatherhood is like – it sounds stupid, but at the end of How The Grinch Stole Christmas, you know how his heart grows, like, five times its size? Everything is full, it’s just full all the time.”
Ryan Gosling: “I feel so lucky. When you meet your kids you realise that they deserve great parents. Then you have your marching orders and you have to try to become the person they deserve. My life has changed. And thank God it did.”
Ryan Reynolds: “Parenting is the greatest joy you could ever possibly imagine, and it’s exhausting. What’s weird is waking up every 45 minutes during the night and you’re in a pleasant mood. Anything else that woke me up every 45 minutes in the middle of the night, you’re dead.”
Chris Pratt: “I’ve done all kinds of cool things as an actor – I’ve jumped out of helicopters and done some daring stunts and played baseball in a professional stadium – but none of it means anything compared to being somebody’s daddy. I made promises in that moment [when his son was fighting for his life after being born premature] about what kind of dad I wanted to be and I just prayed that he’d live long enough that I could keep them.”
Chris Hemsworth: “For the first time, it’s not about me any more. This internal dialogue about my own boring story isn’t at the forefront of my thoughts. It’s about them now, their welfare. If I make a film, what is that going to allow us to do? What is it going to give them? That’s been refreshing, because it’s so easy to become self-centred, particularly for me in this business.”
Matthew McConaughey: “A father is the one thing I’ve always wanted to be. Never is a man more of a man than when he is the father of a newborn. You know what’s important. I definitely got more selfish. And at the same time, I think I got more compassionate.”
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News Photo Russell Brand’s Victorian Father act is harming his wife, his kids and himself, says Jamie East
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