It's Shrove Screwsday
By Robbie Collin
THEY were white, dimpled and round and going up and down—and that wasn't just the pancakes at the Shrove Tuesday orgy.
Amid the sizzling of skillets, it was a bare market as naked flabby-bottomed bankers gave up decency for Lent and got on top of some prize assets—a portfolio of hookers.
As the lemons squirted freely, other City slickers found their interest rates rising sharply when the scantily-clad beauties moved among them bearing plates laden with crepes—offering them fillings they couldn't refuse.
Our undercover man mingled with the Pancake Day perverts as they gathered at a London penthouse flat in the Square Mile, ready to flip in and out of bed.
The afternoon of lusty mergers for oily money men was organised with all the slick pin-stripe precision of a City takeover—except that this was more of a City legover.
Detailed instructions of how to join in—along with provocative pictures of the girls on the menu — were contained on a porn website.
Our man had to ring a special phone number just two minutes before the orgy started to be told the exact address.
When he arrived the door swung open to reveal a luxurious apartment awash with half-naked girls and fat men covering their paunches in bottle-green dressing gowns.
Mattress
Entrance was £120, payable in advance of course to curvy hostess Erica and her grining assistant Frank before guests were invited to strip off and get into the gowns.
As pancakes tossed around him, Clive, 46—a senior IT consultant for a major merchant bank in the City—reclined on a mattress and told our man how much he enjoyed the ingredients.
"I love these mid-afternoon parties because they're easy to make excuses for," he said.
"At the moment, I'm supposed to be doing a two-hour off-site consultation—it's easy to fit that into my busy schedule.
"If you go to a longer party after work, you end up coming home late and having to make excuses to the wife.
"Think of it as being like a Roman orgy—there's good food, fine wine, gorgeous girls. One newcomer along with our man was Oxford businessman Sanjay, 44—in London for a three-day conference. Drooling Sanjay had decided to give his final afternoon of seminars and lectures a miss and be debriefed elsewhere.
His eyes popped as tanned Russian girl Anya, 21, took his hand and led him off down the corridor. Flustered London consultant Maurice, 30, had taken an afternoon off work to get his pancakes sugared by curvy Brazilian babe Mariana, who quickly ushered him into another bedroom.
Just then, the doorbell rang— and 56-year-old Jeremy, the final wild Shrover, arrived. He was late because he'd come all the way from Essex. Looking frail and nervous he sipped a glass of red wine as he told our investigator: "I don't think they hold these kind of things in Chelmsford."
But his mind started straying from the conversation as a leggy blonde in black high heels and a whisper of a cocktail dress plunged her hand into his gown.
As Jeremy wandered off into another bedroom, our man was then taken to the master bedroom to watch Clive and fellow pervert Alan, 44, romping furiously with two more girls. Tubby Alan's hairy belly wobbled wildly as he silently went about his business.
Wobbled
Afterwards more pancakes were served by the leggy naked girls in stilettos. As he bit into one, Clive spluttered: "These are lovely. I only come here for the food, you know!"
After stuffing their faces, the men were ready for another round with the girls—and wobbled their way back towards the bedrooms.
Mariana and half-Irish, half-Dutch Clara tried to drag our man along. He made his excuses and left—but not before grabbing a pancake for the road.
"Well, everyone indulges a little before Lent, don't they?" smiled Erica as she waved goodbye.
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