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воскресенье, 29 апреля 2018 г.

A Day In The Life Of A Fictional Female Reporter


This Classic NEWSSVET Post originally ran on Apr 15, 2018.
9:17 am: Sleep with a source.
10:00 am: Sleep with my boss.
10:58 am: Find a powder-blue Oxford shirt that doesn’t quite button up over my breasts. Buy eight.
11:13 am: Internet.
11:45 am: Cultivate moxie, “stick-to-itive-ness.”
12:11 pm: Return to source’s house for more sex/to steal the incriminating book he keeps locked in his nightstand.
1:03 pm: Naked interview.
1:36 pm: Refuse to perform on-air puff piece about a cat show, demand to be allowed to
 tag along on big story; decide to strike out on my own and get to the bottom of things after being rebuffed.
2:27 pm: Sex on newsdesk.
3:00 pm: Sabotage source’s career in order to get the big scoop after sleeping with him one last time.
3:02 pm: Stare expressionlessly at computer monitor as if to say, “What have I done?”
4:15 pm: Publish big scoop, receive “well done” from boss I am sleeping with, whose approval I am no longer sure I want.
4:51 pm: Sex in press room during office party. Feels hollow, somehow.
5:39 pm: Return to source’s house for a quick round of hate-sex and then to help him find redemption. Together we’re going to find an even bigger scoop. And then I’m going to have sex with that scoop.

воскресенье, 23 июля 2017 г.

Confession of a sexual patient ... Station Gorilla ...

This note is purely imaginary and any resemblance to existing persons would be entirely fortuitous and independent of the will of the author, the racist remarks are present only to accentuate the odious character of the person in question, a denominated Maurice. The reader will forgive me the outrage of these remarks, which do not in any way reflect the mentality of the author of this pamphlet. 



"My name is Maurice, I am a pig and a bastard, but all the women find me beautiful, I wink, they fall into my arms, I drop my fly, they love only me. I prefer the big sluts who have nothing to lose, the Catholic bourgeoises, more devilish than they appear, the young journalists, the secretaries, the assistants, when I pay them, I kiss them as I hear, I am pressing, when I force them, I do not pay them more, I am a sexual sick. 

I do not like violence, no, it seems to me, on the principle, I'm a Gorilla in good rut, but I can not stand a woman resisting me, I do not know why, but Excites me, then, sometimes I confess, I brutalize, but just for pleasure, for my pleasure, it is a small violence as each Gorilla is able to have it with his females. In the US, with the call girl, it's even better, I pay, I use, I consume at my leisure, I never mind their pleasure, only mine counts, The customer is king, that's what I like among Americans. It is true, I confess, I am selfish, but I have money, little morality and I take advantage of it cheerfully, that's how you will understand when you get it, if you have one. 

Ah! I am vicious, I make everybody believe that I could save France, that I would be the only one capable of it, and everybody believes me. De Gaulle was right, the French are oxen or calves, and I do not remember very well, if they are oxen, it is because they are castrated, and I like this idea, castrated by ... And so little will, is practical in politics, an electorate without conviction. 

What I like in life is to kiss the African women, they are easy women, we can do them what we want,
Before this dirty business, I had a job that brought me all over the world and especially in Africa, what I was able to put on the end of the " negresses ", I felt the feeling of Colonial, who takes advantage of what nature offers him, without the least restraint. These submissive women who call me "daddy" and who respect me, the great white wizard who will allow them to leave the country to come and clean the hotels in Paris or New York, I, the great Maurice, knight White of the French policy, I make them understand that papa is there to give them big spanking before taking them, possibly, one day, perhaps ...
When they are kneeling, I like them even more, I can slap them with my soft sex, I am sixty years old, it explains, but I am joked, they are only " negresses ", their Smell excites me, I lose my head and I appreciate this feeling of forgetting me, it is the luxury of a man of power, the luxury of a white face to a black who remains his slave.
Lately, I had a dirty deal in the USA, in my hotel, with a maid, I was coming out of my shower, like everyone else, my towel around the waist, it is true that I had heard a noise , And suddenly I saw her big black ass move in front of me, she polished the table in the living room, I do not know what took me, I jumped on it and like the negresses Are easy, I let myself go, but she did not want me, I was nevertheless naked, she should have been excited, at least a little.
At the beginning of a sexual act, you know, not all women are necessarily consenting, but later, by force ...
Then I grabbed her by the breasts, thinking that it would excite it, I did not think, it is besides the only thing that came to my mind and the more I tightened between my Dirty hairy hoofs of excited Sylene, the more I hurt her, the more I liked it; She did not know who I was, I was, I am Maurice, a future president of the republic, I am the one who seduces women, who I'm the ejaculator, the spitting cobra, the mega jar, the fucking shit, the meat fly, I communicate, and I do politics for money, and money, , My wife too, I have even a lot since I collaborated as a minister to the scam of the century, Participated in the $ 18 billion embezzlement on behalf of my president; Of course, I received a good commission, several millions placed on several accounts in Switzerland, Luxembourg and elsewhere, it was a state theft, therefore authorized, I obeyed the orders of the " Elysee, and so much the worse for the victims, two poor French cons who do not understand that we must let go when they have lost. It is all the same, the fierceness of the poor to fight for the money that is stolen from them, it would be necessary to vote a law against the revolt of the cons, no, it would be necessary to establish a democratic dictatorship? Several million in several accounts in Switzerland, Luxembourg and elsewhere, it was a state robbery, so authorized, I obeyed the orders of the Elysee, and so much the worse for the victims, two poor French cons who Do not understand that you have to let go when they have lost. It is all the same, the fierceness of the poor to fight for the money that is stolen from them, it would be necessary to vote a law against the revolt of the cons, no, it would be necessary to establish a democratic dictatorship? Several million in several accounts in Switzerland, Luxembourg and elsewhere, it was a state robbery, so authorized, I obeyed the orders of the Elysee, and so much the worse for the victims, two poor French cons who Do not understand that you have to let go when they have lost. It is all the same, the fierceness of the poor to fight for the money that is stolen from them, it would be necessary to vote a law against the revolt of the cons, no, it would be necessary to establish a democratic dictatorship?
I am a politician, you will have understood, for I despise the people, this people is poor, I can not endure misery, then how stupid it is to chew hay the poor people, I make them believe that I And the worst is that it works, the bigger the strings, the more it works and the more powerful I am, the more I can do the stuff you want.
I am supported by very important people, they trust me sometimes, sometimes we get together between MPs, former ministers, and secretaries of states, and I like to kiss the women of my friends. Something in common, something profound to share; I take advantage of it, I empty my bag, it allows me to know if my buddies have it in the pants, most of the time, it is not the case, politicians are early ejaculators, they are so used to To kiss the French, that when evening comes, they are no longer good for anything with bobonne, so I relieve them, I substitute, sacrifice me, believe me, it is a job to hobble the others and me, It does not prevent me from sleeping, not kissing, nor loving my wife as much as those of others.
I have a buddy, very cultured, a contemporary French theater specialist, from the same political party as me, he defends me systematically, he defends me for me to protect him, because he knows that I am powerful, why , Because he goes to Morocco to kill little boys, everyone knows, but nobody says nothing, good, it's true, he is not the only one, there was also a TV host , But he is no longer of this world and he too loved to do sex tourism but he did not hide, money, with money, we can do everything. Sometimes he met party comrades in Marrakech, where I have a magnificent property, and finally, sex and power are linked, you understood.
To exonerate me of this sexual assault case with the black maid in my hotel, I just found the parade with my communication team, I said it was a conspiracy, evidence, of course , There is none, but by sowing doubt in the mind of the majority, I attenuate the feeling of the public towards me; You have to be smart and always be the master of the game, that's what I do, and it works now, my comrades deputies against attack by throwing lies to the paces of truth and the public begins to believe. 

And then, I still have this affair on my hands, a little bitch whose mother I kissed on a desk of our permanence, when I saw her kid, I thought I could type, I gave her an appointment in the bachelor that we share with other bastards, she arrived, I locked the door behind her, and I asked her to hold my hand, I was And then, not holding any more, I jumped on her, but the idiot, she struggled, she tapped me, with her little fists all cute, but I did not let go of the piece, it m Excited the idea of ​​typing the girl after the mother, but the little slut she did not want to know and she managed to escape me, that one, I vowed to kiss her one day. After my American business, this little girl decided to file a complaint against me, she is afraid of nothing, she does not know that I am untouchable. 

I'm a bastard, I know, but it's stronger than me,
In any case, I am told that I am finished in politics, but I did not say my last word and if I missed the presidential rendezvous, there are still others, and I A post of Minister of the Left, soon, with all the files I have on everybody, they all do in their frock, and I am told finished, frankly, the French do not understand anything about politics or power, Is so easy to manipulate them, the poor cons. 
My name is Maurice, I am a pig and a bastard ... 

To spread without moderation, by not omitting, the author of this pamphlet ...

среда, 10 мая 2017 г.

Is your iPod making you old? (And 6 other ageing enemies)

Feeling the effects of age? Forget smoking and sunbathing – there’s a new army of crinkle-culprits...

From niggling new aches and pains, to the wrinkle you're sure wasn't there yesterday, getting older is no fun. Fact.But we all know what ages us fast, right? No, it's not just a life of constant partying. Research has uncovered that culprits now include gadgets, health kicks, even 'miracle' creams.
"While genes play a role in how we age, lifestyle is a huge factor, too. Luckily, you can do something about that," says Dr Pixie McKenna from Channel 4's Embarrassing Bodies. Read on to find out what - then dust off your ID ready for the barman!
1: Ageing enemy:




Being so face fashionable




Yep, we're always leaving our sunnies in the park/office/pub, too - but buying a cheap pair to compensate could be a false economy as far as your eyes are concerned. "Many fashion sunglasses don't filter out the harmful ultraviolet rays that speed up the growth of eye diseases like cataracts," says Boots optometrist Carolyn Zweig. Not to mention the wrinkles from all that squinting

This season's wraparound specs - à la Sarah Jessica Parker - are perfect as they protect against harmful rays coming in through the sides, too. "Look for ones that filter both of the harmful tanning rays - UVA and UVB," advises Carolyn.
At full volume, MP3 players can reach 120 decibels - the same volume as a jet engine!



2: Ageing enemy:




Celeb-style workouts




You dutifully pound the park every morning to get a Teri Hatcher-style figure - but you could be adding years to your face. "Women take up running in the hope it'll make them look slimmer and younger, but too much jogging can strain skin," says diet and movement specialist Joanna Hall (Joannahall.com). "The constant up and down motion pulls facial tissues, reducing elasticity and firmness."
Walk before you run! "Walking won't put your skin under the same pressure," says Joanna. Step out in a pair of new Reebok EasyTone Flip Flops, £45 (Reebok.com). Bouncy air pockets in the soles reduce the skin-sagging impact and improve muscle tone in your calves by up to 28 per cent.
3: Ageing enemy:




Your love of GaGa




Your quest to drown out fellow commuters with Poker Face puts you at risk of permanent and premature hearing damage. "In-ear headphones you get with MP3 players aren't always great quality, so you crank up the volume - but this can permanently damage hearing after 15 minutes," warns Emma Harrison of the Royal National Institute for Deaf People (RNID). Experts are calling for the maximum volume setting to be 85 decibels.
"Invest in a pair of noise-cancelling headphones (available at Rnid.org.uk), which remove background sound so you don't need to turn the volume up as loud," recommends Emma. If you're worried about your hearing, take the RNID's online hearing check on its website to rate your ability to hear with background noise.
4: Ageing enemy:




Your gloomy outlook




Always double-checking you've been given the right change? Or likely to eye up your friend with a look of doubt when she offers you a compliment? It's time to loosen up, because not trusting people knocks years off your life expectancy. "Research shows that people who don't assume everyone's out to get them will live longer," says Phillip Hodson of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (Bacp.co.uk). "By always being on guard, your body pumps stress hormones like adrenaline into your system to keep you alert, and this can take its toll on your heart. It's like constantly revving your engine and it will wear out."
Let your guard down. "If you're speaking to someone new, ask them lots of questions about their life," says Phillip. "This will shift the emphasis from you, so you won't feel defensive and suspicious."
5: Ageing enemy:




Crash dieting




Think ditching a couple of pounds will help you look younger? Have we got news for you. Research by Harley Street plastic surgeon Rajiv Grover found that the strain put on your body from crash dieting can cause an ageing spurt on your face. "Ditching meat, fish and eggs, which lots of dieters tend to do, can thin hair and make skin look old before its time," says Dr Pixie. "That's because they contain cell-boosting iron, which makes haemoglobin to carry oxygen to cells, and vitamin B12, a great cell regenerator. These are both essential for healthy skin and hair."
Ditch the 3pm chocolate fix. Sugar causes a process called glycation, where pesky sugar molecules attach to protein molecules (such as collagen, which is essential for plump, pert skin) and destroy them. The result is wrinkly, saggy skin. Nice.
6: Ageing enemy:




Making sex-cuses




OK, so we're not saying you need the sex drive of a Premiership footballer - but saying no to nookie could take its toll on your complexion. New research by Dr David Weeks, a neuropsychologist at Royal Edinburgh Hospital, has found that couples who are at it at least three times a week look around a decade younger than those who have sex less often. "Sex releases endorphins, which improves circulation to your skin and boosts your immune system - making you look younger and helping you to live longer," confirms Dr Pixie.
Get wed! If you're married this could lengthen your life expectancy by five years - experts believe the security of a relationship makes people less stressed.
7: Ageing enemy:




Your designer moisturiser




Many moisturisers contain sunscreen to protect against the ageing effects of UV rays - but cutting out the sun can age you, too.

"We need sunshine to make vitamin D, which protects us from certain illnesses. Not getting enough could make you prone to ones linked to old age, such as brittle bones," explains Dr David Grimes, a consultant physician at Royal Blackburn Hospital. "Be careful, but try to get five to 10 minutes a day in summer without wearing sunscreen."
Keep wrinkles at bay with the new Slendertone Face (£300, Slendertone.com), which emits pulses of electric current that tone droopy face muscles. After 12 weeks, 94 per cent of testers had firmer skin*.

понедельник, 8 мая 2017 г.

Super-size your exercise! Want to maximise your workout in half the time?

Want to maximise your workout in half the time? Lose weight without realising? Course you do...

Call us lazy, but the problem with working out is that it's just, well, a lot of hard work! If only there were simple ways to revamp your shape without having to put in huge amounts of nearly-kill-yourself effort... Well, hello regime-dreams! "If you want to improve your body through exercise it's about working smarter, not harder and certainly not for longer," explains personal trainer Daniel Newman. Shake up your usual routine with the power of these small changes and watch those muscles tone up and the pounds drop off.
1 Burn fat. Faster!




No one has the time - or the inclination - to spend ages in the gym (there are far more less-sweaty things to be doing), and now it seems shortening your sesh can make you fitter, not fatter. Professor Jan Helgerud from the Norwegian University Of Science And Technology has discovered that working out in quick bursts at max effort is as effective as a non-stop low-intensity routine that takes twice the time. "The intense bursts of exercise encourage your body to build a type of muscle fibre that uses up oxygen and fat faster, burning extra calories in the process," explains Professor Helgerud. Try alternating four, four-minute bursts of running at maximum effort with three-minute recovery periods at a lower intensity (time to talk about last night's 'Enders). Add a low-intensity six-minute warm-up and cool-down, and you'll have spent just 30 minutes exercising but burned the same amount of flab as an hour-long sesh.
2. Stop the weights worry




Time to overcome your fear of the weights section - it's not going to turn you into an oiled-up meat-head, it'll actually do the opposite. "Using weights encourages your body to turn fat into muscle and, for every pound of muscle you gain, your body uses around 50 extra calories a day, because active muscle needs more fuel than fat cells," explains Daniel. In fact, researchers at Tufts University in the US found that using weights boosts metabolism by 15 per cent, so you'll still burn energy after your workout, even while you're on the sofa reading this.
3. Exercise al fresco




Swapping the stuffy gym for your local park not only means no more sweaty splashback from that beefy bloke on the cross-trainer, but you'll burn five per cent more calories, too. According to Phil Hayes, an exercise physiologist at Northumbria University, the outdoor combination of wind resistance and uneven ground means your muscles work harder than they do on a treadmill, using up to 300 extra calories during a one-hour run. Definitely worth getting blustered around for.
4. Sup to slim




A cool water might not have the same ring to it as a cold beer, but taking the tap stuff super-cold burns off 75 extra calories a day (shame the same isn't true for a G&T). It's all down to how hard your body has to work to consume it, and the colder, the better. "Your body uses one calorie to heat a litre of water by one degree, so heating a litre of iced water (zero degrees) to body temperature uses 37 calories - and double that for your recommended two litres," explains Professor Mike Gleeson from Loughborough University. Drink at least 500ml before your workout as being dehydrated will halve your stamina.
5. Boost your burn




Fed up with sacrificing your post-work pub sessions for gym workouts? While it might sound tough, switching your snooze off for an early-morning run around the park instead of an evening one burns 100 extra calories - even if you spend the rest of the day sat on your butt. How? It's because exercise boosts your metabolic rate (the speed at which your body uses calories) for almost 20 hours afterwards, so if you're on the go for the rest of the day, you'll burn more calories than if you just crawl into bed in the evening. "Exercising before 9am for an hour boosts metabolic rate by 13 per cent for the first three hours, then four per cent for the following 16, which could add up to an extra 100 calories burnt off by the end of the day," explains online personal trainer James Griffiths.*
6. Belt up




Seems the humble belt works in fashion and fitness. OK, so it might not look as good as your favourite Topshop skinny, but wearing a weighted belt can help you shift a muffin top while you walk. "For every 1kg of weight carried over 1km, your body needs one calorie," explains Professor Gleeson. It might not sound like very much, but simply pull on a 10kg belt for a 30-minute brisk walk (try it on your way to work) and you could burn an extra 150 calories in one week (that's the three jaffa cakes you end up scoffing when you're feeling bored, FYI). Try the Adjustable Waist Belt, £39.99, Amazon.co.uk.
7. Max your motivation




You don't need us to tell you that getting hot and sweaty with an international rap-star-cum-sex-god would be good for you. Sadly we can't whisk him into your bed, but putting him on your iPod will help keep your motivation levels up. Experts at Brunel University have discovered that runners listening to tunes with beats that matched their heartbeats were distracted into working out for 15 per cent longer without even realising. Good warm-up tunes are around 80-125 bpm, like Kylie's All The Lovers; then build up to 130-150 bpm, with songs such as Usher's OMG. Work out to your perfect playlist by downloading the BPM Analyzer (Mixmeister.com), which is a free app that calculates the BPM of your fave tunes in seconds.

воскресенье, 7 мая 2017 г.

The World Cup Workout!

Look as hot as an England pro with this shape-up plan from ex-Spurs player Paul Ellis.

Buns of steel. Thighs that could crack a walnut if you need one reason to watch the World Cup it's for the beauty that is the players' bodies. But as much as we admire their toned physiques, there's a part of us that's a bit, well, jealous. If only we could look as foxy in shorts as them but wait - now we can!
We've called in a pro-in-the-know to get you footie fit in just two weeks. "Every footballer trains for a game with a full body workout," explains Paul Ellis, 28, a former Spurs and Wales player who now trains Joe and Carly Cole, Michael Carrick and he helped Jessie Wallace shed 2st.
 
"My exclusive workout for Fabulous replicates the training I did as a pro-footballer," he says. "It only takes 20 minutes every other morning (the best time of day to kick-start your metabolism) - and by the time our lads kick off you'll be a dress (or shorts!) size slimmer." Here, in Paul's capable hands, writer Helen Bownass gives his workout a whirl
1. The stomach shrinker




What is it? "These sit-and-throw sit-ups work harder than a crunch," says Paul.
Do it: Lie on your back with your knees bent and your stomach taut, then sit halfway up. You'll need a helper to stand a metre away and throw the ball to you. Catch it and lie back, keeping your stomach taut, and lift the ball over your head. Lift back up, exhale and throw the ball back. Do 20, working up to 30.
 
2.The bingo-wing blitzer




What is it? "This half-press-up move is probably the toughest in the workout, but worth it for defined upper arms," says Paul.
Do it: Put your knees on the floor, bend your legs behind you and push your arms out in front of you, shoulder-width apart. With a ball under one hand, push your body up and down, keeping your abs taut, working from the elbows. Do this 10 times on each side.
  
3.The butt booster
The secret to Carly Cole's bum!




What is it? "Nothing boosts problem areas such as butts and thighs like backward lunges -- it's how Carly Cole got such a great bum," says Paul.
Do it: Place your feet hip-width apart. Hold a football tight to your chest to help you clench everything in, then take a large step backwards with one leg, bending your knee down towards the floor. Hold for a couple of seconds, then tense your stomach and step back to the start position. Do 15 sets on each leg.
WORK IT GIRL!
If you fancy more of a challenge, swing the ball upwards and over your head as you bend. Increase to 30 repetitions on each leg.
4.The thigh trimmer




What is it? "Squats are great for an all-over leg workout, from your calves to hamstrings and quads," says Paul.
Do it: From a standing position (and holding the ball for extra tension), bend your knees and lower your body down as if to sit on a chair- stick that bum out! Then clench everything tightly and snap back up. Repeat 15-20 times.
5. The core cruncher




What is it? "The balance plank is an ab-solute marvel," Paul says.
Do it: Lie flat on your stomach with ankles together and forearms on the floor in front of you. Lift yourself up on your toes and arms keeping your back flat. Get someone to balance a football on your back - then hold the 'plank' position for 30 seconds, working up to 1 minute.
6. The lower-leg honer




What is it? "These pin-loving side jumps are great for a cardio workout," Paul promises.
Do it: Place a ball or cone on the floor. Jump over the top, moving from left to right, and keep jumping back and forth for one minute. Put three markers in a row and jump diagonally forwards and back. "Carly Cole's got so good at these she can text while she's at it!"
7. The co-ordination cure




What is it? "Sprinting between two cones boosts your speed and co-ordination and tones up those leg muscles," says Paul.
Do it: Put down two markers 10 metres apart and sprint between them, bending down to touch them as you pass. Start with three, 30-second sprinting sessions, build up to one minute with the markers 20 metres apart.
8. The all-over toner




What is it? "These jumps and kicks are a perfect workout finish," Paul says.
Do it: With hands behind you, kick your heels back to touch them. Repeat for 30 seconds. Then with arms out in front, jog on the spot, bringing your knees up to meet them for 30 seconds. Finish with 30 seconds of high star jumps. Add 10 seconds to each exercise a day.
HOW WAS IT FOR ME?




Helen reveals all...
"I'm fit - I cycle to work and go to the gym, but I avoid workouts where I have to repeat things or get shouted at, so I was ready to loathe Paul's session. But I didn't - being trained by a hunk was a motivator. I'll keep it up till June 11, when I can watch someone else put in the hard work."

пятница, 5 мая 2017 г.

Shake up your shape-up. Same old workout stopped working out?

Try the latest kick-ass classes that make fat-fighting fun

Yawning in yoga? Bored of BodyPump? It's time to shake up your workout. "Changing classes regularly helps you stay motivated and keeps you in better shape as your body won't hit a plateau," says fitness trainer Dan Roberts (Danrobertstraining.com). To find a workout that works for you, try our latest fitness fixes
Get on your (VRX) bike
If you like spinning
You'll love VRX-Biking
Say what? This new, souped-up version of spinning includes a video screen and moving handlebars for an adrenaline-fuelled ride that burns up to 55 per cent more calories than a standard exercise bike. "Because you have to steer these bikes, you get an upper-body workout as well as a leg and bum blitz," explains fitness expert Kristoph Thompson. For proof of the benefits, just look at VRX vixen Eva Mendes. Precisely.
Sign me up! Classes are available at Everyone Active leisure centres nationwide, from £7 (Everyoneactive.com).
If you like yoga
You'll love fencing
Say what? That's right, swordsmanship couldn't be any more cutting edge. "Fencing involves incredible mental and physical control," explains fitness trainer Greg Brooks (Gbpersonaltraining.com). "It gives your brain a workout, and the fast footwork and lunges burn 400 calories an hour - sculpting your arms, defining those abs and creating a pert bum." Catherine Zeta-Jones famously took up the sword as training for The Mask Of Zorro, slashing inches all over - hardly surprising when just nine minutes of fencing is equivalent to running a mile!
Sign me up! Go to Britishfencing.com to find a class near you, from approximately £30 for six classes.
If you like exercise balls
You'll love IndoBoarding
A 'board-om'-free zone!
Say what? Surf chick Cameron Diaz is thought to be a fan of this quirky class, where you balance on a board that's placed on top of a roller (imagine a plank resting on a large rolling pin). Once you've mastered standing without wobbling, you can move on to squats, push-ups and weight training. "This is a tough class, but the results - better balance, coordination, flexibility and amazing abs - are so worth it," says trainer Jason Fern (Indofitness.co.uk). You'll be so busy having fun, or trying not to fall off, you won't notice you're balancing away 340 calories an hour.
Sign me up! Free classes are available at selected Fitness First gyms (Fitnessfirst.co.uk), but you can buy your own board and give it a go at home (from £95, Indoboard.co.uk).
If you like British Military Fitness
You'll love outdoor gyms
Fitness al fresco
Say what? While being barked at by an ex-squaddie might appeal to some, we've discovered a less fear-inducing way to tone up outdoors! The best bit? No punishment and no payment. Yep, it doesn't cost a penny, as more and more councils are installing free fitness equipment in UK parks, from chin-up bars to resistance machines and cross-trainers. "Most of these machines rely on body weight and gravity for resistance, giving a good all-over workout that can burn up to 500 calories," explains Dan. No wonder Dannii Minogue swore by regular workouts in the park to get in shape for last year's X Factor.
Sign me up! For your nearest outdoor gym, call your local council or visit Tgogc.com or Fresh-airfitness.co.uk.
If you like bodycombat
You'll love capoeira
Say what? Pronounced kappoo-air-ah, this martial-art-cum-dance originated on the hip-swinging streets of Brazil. Classes mix a unique combo of dance, self-defence and acrobatics - think flying kicks and spinning cartwheels - performed to sizzling, booty-shaking beats! "The moves dramatically improve coordination and flexibility, as well as toning shoulders, legs and bums in a body-blitzing 500-calorie workout," explains Dan. Need more inspiration to get signed up? Hot-bodied Halle Berry and Gisele Bündchen are both fans. Nuff said.
Sign me up! Classes are popping up all over the UK including selected Fitness First gyms (Fitnessfirst.co.uk), from £10 per class.
If you like Pilates
You'll love Jukari
Say what? Sicilian for 'play', Jukari's been developed with Cirque de Soleil's high-flying acrobatic team and involves swinging round a gym studio as you grip on to a trapeze. Very Tarzan! It may involve much more obvious exertion than Pilates, but it targets similar muscles. "Hanging on to the bar takes incredible muscle control, helping to sculpt your arms, back and abs, and working off 500 calories an hour," says Dan. Just ask Sadie Frost - the 44-year-old mum-of-four credits regular trapeze sessions for her ridiculously flat tum.
Sign me up! Jukari classes are free at David Lloyd gyms nationwide (Davidlloyd.co.uk).
If you like Power Plate
You'll love Power Boxing
Say what? Once we got our heads round the fact that doing a few stretches on a vibrating platform could yield serious results, we couldn't get enough. And we're not alone - the newly svelte Charlotte Church is hooked, too. Now Power Boxing has upped the game (think boxercise classes performed on a spin dryer). "The vibrations activate muscle fibres, so you get a more intensive workout - we're talking 400 calories an hour," explains Dan.
Sign me up! Visit Uk.powerplate.com and click on 'Plate Locator' to find your nearest class, from £20.

Get fit with your phone

The latest fitness apps make your smartphone a personal trainer and nutritionist in one. Just not while you're on the bus, eh?
iFitness Pick your wobbliest body part and this pocket-sized personal trainer will give you an instruction video with the best moves to get toned. There are over 100 exercises. £1.19, iTunes.
RunKeeper Download this, then take your smartphone on your next run and it will record your time, distance, pace, and even plot your exact route on Google Maps. £5.99, iTunes.
MyFitnessPal Calorie Counter & diet tracker This lists the nutritional composition of more than 250,000 foods, and the calories burned for every kind of exercise imaginable, so you can log your calorie intake and plot a chart as the pounds drop off. Free from iTunes.
 
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