Meet the worst e-ffenders out there...

There are ways to avoid that annoying friend... well, unless they’re online – then you have to listen to all kinds of nonsense.  

By Laura Millar, 15/08/2017

The baby bore

The culprits: Mums who believe their child is the most interesting thing in the world - and that you need to hear about the blighter's every cough, smile and burp.

Baby bore's post: "Alfie just did his first wee on the potty!" or "Daisy's already learning Mandarin - and she's only two!" All accompanied by 3,456 pictures of their little angel, including previous photos of mum-to-be showing off her bump and every scan image.

Least likely update: "Kids really ruin your social life."

BB's Chanelle

Celeb offender: Big Brother 8's Chanelle Hayes recently gave birth to her first baby, Blakely, and has been tweeting about him ever since. "Happiest day of my life. I'm a mummy and my baby is beautiful!" was followed by: "Baby update: he gets more gorgeous every minute!" and then "Blakely is officially the best baby ever to have graced this planet." Snore off.

The face-feuders

The culprits: People who want to air their dirty laundry in public, and try to guilt-trip those they think have crossed them. Online. For all to see.

Face-feuder's post: "I can't believe that Sue has accused me of sleeping around! Like she's so innocent"

Least likely update: "I'm not going to talk about my private life on here."

Singer Sinitta

Celeb offenders: We've had Lindsay Lohan, Kelly Osbourne and Paris Hilton sharing their grudges, so it should be no surprise that other celebs have jumped on the public-ranting bandwagon. Singer Sinitta recently had a go at former friend and fellow ex of Simon Cowell Jackie St Clair, who had apparently accused her of having an affair with a male friend.

She retaliated on Twitter: "Stop telling people I'm having an affair at 15 and 25 I was afraid of you, I'm not now!" She later apologised for her comments. And actress Sadie Frost recently had a go at Sienna Miller on Twitter after discovering Jude's girlfriend had taken Sadie's daughter Iris for a spontaneous haircut.

"I think ya should get ya own child and then cut their hair!" she fumed, before shutting down her Twitter account.

The attention tweeter

The culprits: Cry-for-help posters who are hoping to shame you into feeling concern and rushing to their virtual aid.

Attention tweeter's post: "I just want today to be over" or "So sad today".

Least likely update: "Ain't life great!"

Heidi & Spencer

Celeb offender: The Hills star Heidi Montag recently filed for divorce from her reality TV partner Spencer Pratt, who's been left feeling more than a little down in the dumps about his hard luck (and can now probably kiss goodbye to lucrative fame-seeking stints on the likes of I'm A Celeb!).

He recently tweeted poor-me messages like: "Yes I'm lonely" and "Being an ego-maniac is my defense mechanism to stop myself from getting hurt and feeling rejected? It never works." Ah, diddums!

The ODA*-ers ( Online Display of Affection)

The culprits: Nauseatingly loved-up couples desperate for the world to know they've still got that spark.

ODA-er's post: "Last night was totally amazing, babe. Love you sooooo much ; )" or "Alan's taking me out for a romantic Michelin-starred dinner tonight. He's AMAZING."

Least likely update: "If Andy keeps me awake snoring again, I will kill him."

Ash & Demi

Celeb offenders: Hollywood couple Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have been together since 2003, but they're still devoted to each other - and don't we all know it. Ashton regularly tweets pictures of his wife (including one of her bending over in her knickers), while Demi recently wrote: "My hubby is a true romantic! @aplusk said he's gonna build a house on the land of his 1st date w/ @mrskutcher."

Tony & Eva

And in July, Desperate Housewives actress Eva Longoria shared her happiness at her third wedding anniversary to Tony Parker by tweeting: "Happy Anniversary to my honey bunny @tp9network! 3 years baby!" Yeah, yeah, we get it. Bleugh!

Other e-effenders

And if you don't recognise any of that lot, you must know one of the following:

The teaser

The ones who keep you guessing with their cryptic statements, just so their friends will ask them what they mean. They post things like: "Last night was simply incredible" or "I can't believe what just happened!". Just spill your guts properly, people!

The face bragger

Really annoying show-offs who insist on ramming all their "amazing" news down their not-so-lucky mates' throats. Yes, well done, you've been promoted to your dreamiest dream job - that doesn't mean we all want to know about it.

The suck-up

AKA that annoying person who "likes" everyone's status, comments on how "gorgeous" some girl she's only met once looks in her holiday pics and retweets everything you write. Argh! Facebook off!

The lurker

Individuals who loiter around Facebook and Twitter looking at other people's updates, but never actually posting themselves. You know who you are.

The new netiquette

Tim Collins, author of The Little Book Of Twitter: Get Tweetwise! (Michael O'Mara Books, £3.99) says:

Only update your status or tweet if you've really got something worth telling people about. No one cares how many cups of tea you've had that day.

Be careful about posting pictures or talking about social events. Friends might feel offended if they weren't invited.

Remember to acknowledge people who write on your wall or send you a message. If you don't, it's just like ignoring an email or phone call.

Don't be boastful in your tweets or status updates. You'll end up looking like an attention seeker.

Never drink and update. Come on, you know why.