"We aspire to a separation or divorce humanly positive, characterized by a sincere desire to leave (...) in good conditions and enriched the shared love, not decreased or traumatized by how the relationship has ended. "These words mean anything to you? It's normal. It is in these terms that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced in June 2014 the world their separation "mindfully" ( " conscious uncoupling "). Meanwhile, Katherine Woodard Thomas was working on his book "separate without hate "where she reveals the method that inspired the couple. Released in 2015 in English, the book of this therapist specializing in romantic relationships is now available for public speaking (1). And, she says, can break and continue to speak without hate. Promised not need to be called " Gwyneth perfect " to succeed. Yes but how ?
1. Find emotional freedom
Questions
Rather than using "depressed", use a range of more specific emotions: abandoned, distressed, alienated, anxious, disappointed, disgusted, embarrassed, hate, unloved, lost ...
Shame, blame or feelings of failure can cause us to commit acts under the influence of anger, we may regret later. The purpose of the first step is to "learn to master the energies associated with very dark and difficult emotions that you experience" and "turn these destructive impulses (...) in constructive vectors".
How? By accepting his emotions and naming. So you reduce stress and respond more efficiently. And your body also needs to express crying. Let him do. Commit yourself to live up to what you would have expected from your former spouse. In other words, this is the perfect time to reward you for the love , attention and loyalty you are trying to get other forever. In short, this theater class or salsa you talk for ages, it's time to register!
2. Resume the power of your life
Questions
How could I choose someone who was not really available? What a disappointing story of my past reproduces and what behavior on my part led to what she repeats without my knowledge?
Of course, you still have a small desire to scratch the car of your ex or send her love letters in the form of confetti. But why not take a step back? It's time to stop asking you and accept your victim vis-à-vis what happened.
How? Ask yourself the right questions (see box). Make amends to yourself. During this difficult time when you are naked and must face your Demonts, surround yourself with caring friends or a therapist and do not reconnect with your ex.
3. To break the destructive pattern and heal your heartache
Questions
How have you validated your original fracture? Because of my beliefs about my life, what have I contributed to the deterioration of the relationship?
It is decided, from now on, you are offering romantic relationships more fulfilling and enjoyable! If the person in front of you can not love yourself according to your needs, learn to love yourself. To avoid repeating past patterns, this is also the time to understand where your "home break", this injury is in childhood and tends to recur.
How? By identifying your limiting beliefs. Instead of saying "I'm not important" turn this belief into a positive mantra "my feelings and needs are important and it is hoped that they are also important for the nearest beings."
During these first three steps, unnecessary to be in permanent contact with your ex, or if it is really necessary, contact a cordial fashion or purely informative.
4. Become an alchemist of love
Questions to Ask
What brought me this relationship that I could recognize, appreciate and that is likely to make me happy? By drawing a line on the future I hoped once, what new future can I build me instead?
So far, the experiment was focused on understanding yourself. Now that you have reprogrammed for success in love, it's time to take care of your former relationship and leave the light heart of the experience.
How? By setting all the intentions to everyone planning a positive future. For example: "My intention is to generate goodwill toward my ex-husband so that we can be comfortable in the presence of each other and our children and our friends feel that the atmosphere is peaceful ". By deliberately diverting attention from the past, you mobilize your energy to creating a positive future.
If your ex is not in the same constructive spirit that you, Katherine Woodward Thomas advises to continue anyway and continue to adopt good behavior. The kindness attracts kindness.
5. Living happily even after
Questions to Ask
What new agreements do I go in line with the future that I am committed to create?
Commit to never repeat the mistakes of the past with someone else. Had you said you expect, he would be the one and only? Get rid of the promises of the past to move forward.
How: you are one or two to keep separation program, you made this promise to yourself to ensure the well-being of all those who could be affected by the separation: family, friends. Exercise restraint when you talk about your former partner. And you say that if you speak of him so disrespectfully, but also to yourself that you disrespect.
The method of separation mindfully does not guarantee not to suffer at all, but to grow from its past experience. Courage.
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