How To Be a Man

One Of The Ways I Fixed Myself

I used to verbalize everything and express my feelings without hesitation. I learned early on from watching my Dad. One time we were driving in the car, when he pulled over and got out. "What are you doing?" I asked him.

"Look at this guy, putting his garbage out like that, doesn't he know people drive on this street?" My Dad got out of the car and explained to the man the proper way to put his garbage on the curb, and what he didn't like about the way he was currently doing it. The man looked at my Father kind of cross-eyed, and when my Dad turned back around to get into the car, the man gave my Father the finger. My Dad got back into the driver's seat and said, "see, now he'll do it right." I don't think he saw the man flip him off.

This pattern would continue my entire life, whenever I would be with my Dad. If he didn't like something, he would let you know and then tell you how to do it better. But not just with me, with anybody, complete strangers often enough. As I grew up, I found myself doing the same. I also found it hard to get along with people and make friends.

I was a horrible poker player. If people knew how to fake what they were thinking, I would fall for it every time. I became easy to con and naive.

After I moved to California in 2019 and wasn't around the constant criticism that engulfed my life in New York, I was able to learn that nobody really cared what I thought or where I had come from. This was very enlightening to me. I learned I no longer had to be a harsh judge of what was going on around me. If I wanted to be critical of something, I had plenty of material to work on with myself.

My father was drunk texting me last night, asking that I sign over the title of my jeep to him. He only speaks to me after he's drunk, or while he's at work. It must be hard to have the pressure of saving the world always on his shoulders, so he drinks. I told him that "we should speak in the morning", he said "about?" like there was any doubt that I should sign over the most valuable possession I own, just because he's been using it the past few years.

Late at night, lying in bed next to my fiance, I was torn up inside about the relationship I now have with my Father, but I didn't talk about it, I kept it inside and worked it through. I didn't want to emotionally dump on my fiance who I knew would worry or get upset if I told her what was bothering me. I processed what happened, looked at her, and instantly felt better. "The world is going to keep spinning, and there is nothing you can do about it," she told me, as if she could read my mind.

That night I had a beautiful dream we had a daughter together.