Paris sex film II

EXCLUSIVE: 'Videos nicked in burglary'

Paris Hilton's next movie 'Repo! The Genetic Opera' is due for release later in the year, though by the looks of this clip the producers might be better just sending every citizen in the world a hand-written note of apology rather than hoping anyone will show up to a movie theatre.

Paris attempts to act and sing at the same time, which is always a recipe for disaster among those with fewer brain cells than pets. Here she's in a dark wig and full goth make-up, but she still can't disguise that wonky eye spinning around and trying desperately to focus on something.

As for the film? It looks like a tone-deaf supply teacher has attempted to recreate the 'Rocky Horror Show' with some of the less gifted students. Words alone can't do justice to this awful, awful thing. Just watch the clip, but make sure you have some brain bleach ready for afterwards.

The world recoils as Paris Hilton announces that she is ready to procreate. Apparently she's desperate to have a baby. But probably only in the same way she's desperate for that new dress/pair of shoes/sunglasses/hat etc. And Paris thinks she would be a good mother because she likes animals. But she was reported to have 17 dogs at one point so God help us all.

Paris, who is dating the dumpy Good Charlotte musician Benji Madden, said:

"I have a lot of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel I would have a lot to give my children."

And no doubt she'll be taking them down to the vet to be de-fleaed and de-wormed too. And probably dressing them up in the same outfits she puts on her dogs as they'll be the same size. Poor, poor children.

But is Paris just trying to copy her friend Nicole Richie, as she's already dating Nicole's boyfriend's twin? And Nicole recently had a baby too. 

Either way, someone get her another chihuahua quickly to distract her. Think of the future!

Stills and clips of her bonking ex-lover Nick Carter, the former Backstreet Boy, were on a laptop that vanished in the recent break-in at her Hollywood home, she has told pals.

 Paris Hilton had a lovely time last week in Africa, where she tried to sell the idea of five -star hotels and luxury shoes to a population more worried about where their next meal was coming from. Actually, that's a joke. Paris isn't allowed near any genuinely poor people as it might fry her synapses and cause her face to swivel off revealing a great big mess of wires (and a slightly misaligned eye).

The New York Daily News is reporting that Paris was her usual statesman-like self during the African trip, full of insightful questions and opinions and not acting like a spoiled fuckwit heiress with nothing better to fill her days at all.

To be fair she stayed at the luxurious Mount Nelson Hotel in Cape Town, and fellow guests included the bands Korn and Kaiser Chiefs, so it wasn't all pleasure for the cosseted skeleton.

A 'source' at the hotel was watching Paris closely, despite the fact the 'source' might have been completely invented. They commented:

"Every time Paris saw something she liked, like a woman's dress, she would ask how much it was. That included a cheetah she saw at an animal park.”

You can just imagine Paris sitting underneath a shady tree asking, "Air over there is cool, is air for sale?" and "Sunlight make eye warm, me buy sunlight?" And as for the cheetah, the newspaper reports that she asked the plaintive question:

Hard to say, Paris. If it had one iota of common sense, I'm guessing you'd be on your own... Otherwise, it'd be awful wouldn't it? The physically fastest animal on the planet owned by the mentally slowest.

A source close to Paris, 23—whose taped romps with ex Rick Salomon are now public property—said the hotel heiress is "terrified of more exposure".

"She's bracing herself for further embarrassment," said the source. "Nick and Paris loved making sex tapes."

Hoorah! Let joy be unconfined because our shores are once again being visited by the divine Paris Hilton and her strangely-rubbery features that make her look like a clown with the make-up forcibly scrubbed off. Here's a selection of photographs taken when she visited Selfridges, and boy, does she look... unusual?

Where to start? The hat, which makes her look as though she has been thrown through a pensioner's front window and emerged covered in a net curtain? The earrings, which Pat Butcher would dismiss as too gaudy?

The dress (which might look nice on a normal human) draped around that skeletal frame like a carrier bag caught in a tree branch? The ridiculous jewellery, which looks as though it was designed for a GCSE project?

Or maybe the gormless boyfriend, who appears to have chosen his tattoos in order to look like a burns victim? However much they cost, I could have given him that look a lot cheaper. Just a couple of pints of petrol and a Bic lighter.

It's no contest really. The most remarkable thing about these pictures is her simply incredible wonk-eye. The other eye is actually quite pleasant, which must be why its twin is constantly trying to steal a peek at it (no wonder the crowd look delighted to be getting her attention – she can cover a full 180 degrees with that squint so everyone thinks she's giving them her attention at the same time).