Losing Ignatius

It was with purely amiable intentions, I assure you, that I coaxed Ignatius to my chambers on this most extraordinary eve. For I had merely wished to bring closure to a most incessant debate, of which we had reached an apparent impasse.

Ignatius and I have long argued on matters of metaphysical theory and transcendental theme, but a most contentious point of dispute was the feasibility of a lateral realm of existence, a reality redundantly occupying our space but beyond the purview of our senses.

I had boasted of having found venerable physical evidence of such a reality, or “Plane”, within the pages of a most antiquated volume. I’d acquired the ancient text while on sabbatical in the Orient, where I had learned of its esoteric origins. Ignatius, the consummate empiricist, would settle for nothing less than tangible proof; on this proviso he was most obstinate.

Ignatius had traveled far amidst inclement weather to view the curious scripture of which I’d spoke. You can imagine my extreme embarrassment when upon his arrival I, for lack of a better term, misplaced him.

Ignatius had arrived at my residence without incident, much like he has done on numerous occasions. I received him most agreeably and endeavored to indulge him. He paused to make mention of the alabaster bust of Bacchus that adorns an interior aperture of my study. I poured us a snifter of port, of a variety for which I new he had a fondness. I stoked the fire and began to explain how it was that such a book found its way into my possession. I told him of the Tibetan merchant who swore to the authenticity of the verse; and to what expense it was that I did obtain it. Ignatius commented on the guile such a barter represented.

“Congratulations, Phenius, the limitless extent of your credulity is now known on four continents. Do you recall your purchase of the ‘rough draft’ to the Dead Sea Scrolls from that street vendor in Cairo? I believe it turned out to be the crazed ramblings of a transient scribbled on the back of some discarded parchment paper.”

We had reclined to the comfort of the leather settee; Ignatius did further peruse the articles within my chambers, surreptitiously of course, and made closer observation of a most curious specimen.

“Ah, yes, Corvidae Corvus; a wonderful example of taxidermic craftsmanship,” I explained.

“It's a large black bird, maniacally perched upon your mantle,” Ignatius noted.  “But where is this evidence of yours, Phenius? Surely you did not summon me here to gaze upon your dead fowl.”

I retrieved the item from the cherry escritoire and did unfurl the leather binds to release the pages from within the ancient manuscript. It was then that an evening most contrived gave way to unworldly mishap.

I began to read aloud from the archaic Scriptures some random, cryptic incantation that had readily caught my eye. I was scarcely through the passage when the reserved Ignatius promptly vanished. The ominous fume that arose from the settee was all that remained to attest that Ignatius had sooner been there.

I had, following intense investigation, determined that I was indeed alone and bereft of explanation for the whereabouts of my colleague. I, admittedly, pondered how nice Paraguay must be this time of year, or perhaps a sister State with equally convoluted extradition laws. But it was then that I did hear, from some unperceived dimension, the civil queries of a composed Ignatius.

“Phenius, you Imbecile! Of all the lack witted, asinine, incredulous acts of stupidity!.... What the devil have you done to me?”  The antechamber echoed.

“Yes, well...Ignatius, it seems as though I have accidentally ousted you from this existence. I trust you are in good health?” I responded with the most regard.

“It is not merely my health that remains in question if you do not remedy this outrage at once!”

“Concern yourself with the predicament no longer, Ignatius, for I am, as we speak, reviewing the particulars for your expedient return,” I reassured.

Optimism has long been one of my foibles. For I knew not what the particulars were, let alone reviewing them.

I shuffled rapidly through the unfathomable pages, praying that I might find some reciprocal prose that would evoke Ignatius back to the here and now. I happened upon a stanza in which I was most confident, and began to orate the verse.

The room commenced to quiver, furnishings rocked, then swayed; drawers shot from their bureaus and came to rest upon the floor. From off the mahogany shelves, books soared out from their categorical niches. My head incurred a blow from a compilation of Poe; it felt like his complete works. I surmised that I had not the accurate verse.

“What are you doing, you clumsy fool? Is there no end to your incompetence?” The inspirational utterances of Ignatius permeated the chamber.

“Not to worry, old chap. You merely caught me in the throws of preparation,” I confidently replied. “Ignatius, why don't you tell me what it is that you see; to chronicle the event, for the interest of science.” I thought it a plausible ruse.

“All right, for methodology’s sake. I do not really see anything, as we comprehend sight. I feel as though I am neither here nor there; a proverbial message without a bottle.”

“Most interesting,” I responded, as I frantically attempted to extrapolate the verbiage. I happened upon a measure that I was certain to be serviceable. I soundly voiced the enigmatic scribing.

A ghastly shriek erupted within my chambers; a shadowy figure did flit and flutter. It was Corvidae Corvus!  I had vivified the raven. The fiendish creature scaled to the summit of the study, then began its insidious descent. I armed myself, and began to beat the vertebrate profusely with a teak walking stick I'd acquired while in Bavaria; a fine piece of artisanship. But I digress. I pummeled the infernal beast until it fell to my feet, eviscerated. It seemed I had run afoul of another erroneous verse.

Not to be discouraged, I hastened the reading until it was that I'd reached the end of another passage. Nothing seemed to happen.

“You bungling, half-witted, incorrigible buffoon!”

I did hear the solaced speech of Ignatius, and perceived it to be somehow more localized. I surveyed the premises, but it seemed as though I was still alone.

“Over here, you ignoramus!” Ignatius cited.

I turned to find, to my astonishment, that speaking from the alabaster bust of Bacchus was the jovial Ignatius. I had conjured him into the statuette.

“I have had enough of your inept chicanery! Step closer, that I might in some way injure you,” beckoned Ignatius.

I held my ground, but decided that this was indeed progress.

“Ignatius, I don’t think that I have seen you look more personable, or less stoical,” I noted.

“Heavens, Phenius, will you spare me nothing? Is there yet a way I can further amuse you?” Ignatius questioned.

I began to get the distinct impression that Ignatius had grown weary of this unearthly venture. I’ve long had an uncanny intuition into the dispositions of Ignatius. I decided it prudent to give retrieving him another go.

I once again began to orate the scripture. As I did, the draperies rustled against the sullied panes, the waning fire erupted into a brilliant flare, portraits spun from their placements. I did not suspend the reading; in fact my voice grew more demanding as the verses rambled on. The illuminated crystal fixtures flickered and they flashed. With a rapture of commotion the occurrence did surcease. And there sat Ignatius, comfortably on the settee.

“Ah, Ignatius, welcome back. I trust you are none the worse for wear,” I said serenely.

“Silence! Not another inane word shall I hear from you this night. Now fetch me some port, a carafe, to dull my senses, that we may speak on level ground,” he ordered.

I decided it best at this point to wholly comply. I had made myself scarce of the study that I might accommodate his wishes. It was upon my return I did discover that where once sat the alabaster bust of the ethereal Bacchus was now a less than flattering likeness of Ignatius, and etched upon the effigy was an expression of pure indignation.

I fathomed whether I had a sufficient quantity of port in the cellar to make mention of such a fact this night. But then, I wager that I shall never have such a quantity.

“Ignatius, finish your port, for I have something whimsical to show you.”


 About the author: Michael O'Rourke has just published his first novella length collection of sci-fi/horror short stories, The Voices of El'Ka-zed.  He currently resides in the Dallas/Fort Worth area of Texas, and is working on material for a second release.