Queen turns mean!
By Rachel Richardson
IN the frankest interview of his life, Graham Norton today tells how he loves boozing.
But by the time you get to the end of his revelations, you might think it's a saucer of milk he needs rather than a gin and tonic.
For this camp comic is a cat with claws—and he sinks them into every celeb he hates in a hissy fit thrown exclusively for the News of the World.
Graham, 42, is back on our screens tomorrow with a BBC1 comedy current affairs show called The Bigger Picture.
Maybe after what's coming up next it should be renamed The Bigger Bitcher.
Limp wrists flicking menacingly, he makes that other Queen of Mean, Elton John, look like a kitten in need of assertiveness training as he pounces first on pin-up girl Abi Titmuss.
"I do wonder what Celebrity Love Island was all about. People tuned in to watch a fat nurse on her holidays, because that's what Abi was," pouted Graham.
"I loved the fact that Jayne Middlemiss branded her a fat slag—because she IS a fat slag."
Next he tells us what he thinks about Jude Law cheating on Sienna Miller with Daisy Wright—the nanny to his and ex-wife Sadie Frost's children.
"It couldn't have happened to nicer people! The nanny was probably a Sadie Frost mole, who was sent in to wreak havoc," he gloats.
Mole
"And God bless Sienna, who must have thought, ‘The new nanny's a bit dumpy and I'm Sienna Miller, she's no rival to me'. But poor Daisy hung around the house so long Jude felt obliged to do it to her."
The cat's in full flap now. So miaoooo-how about other celeb couples you'd like to claw, Graham?
He quickly brands Wayne Rooney "a granny sh****r"—referring to the News of the World's exclusive on how the England star romped with a middle-aged prostitute behind Coleen McLoughlin's back.
"What was he thinking paying that granny for sex?" asks Graham. "And how do you apologise for such a thing?"
Another even more famous soccer couple are next to be used as a scratching post. Norton reckons Posh and Becks are only together after David's affair with Rebecca Loos because it would cost them too much to divorce.
"Posh is in it for the long haul and David just follows his d*** around the house," says Norton. "He has a ‘Wherever I lay my hat' policy when it comes to sex."
To be fair, the Dublin-born funnyman is equally honest about his own failings particularly his wild boozing.
"I'm a borderline alcoholic. I love drinking, a lot," he admits. "I go through a vast amount.
"It's very much a social thing though and I'm a very happy drunk. I might get quite annoying, but I don't cry.
"I've never been interested in drugs because it's a hassle to buy them."
When it comes to his own love life, the cat purrs.
"It's all going very well," he says of his year-long transatlantic relationship with New Yorker Kristian Seeber. "It's love, I suppose."
He's even thinking of settling down.
"Part of me would love a proper live-together relationship," he says. "I suppose there are lots of gay couples who can't wait to get wed—but I think we'd only do it for convenience's sake if Kristian wanted to work here. So don't buy your hat just yet."
Unfolding from tomorrow at 10.35pm is his own new project.
In The Big Picture he'll be talking about the week's news with a series of celebs—the first guests being Sharon Stone, Jo Brand and Sun columnist Jane Moore.
Being on BBC1, there'll be less smut than on his Channel 4 chat show—and no sex toys. "It'll be serious and fun. We won't ignore the big issues," he says.
And if Abi's big issues come up for discussion, at least we'll know what he's thinking.
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